When I was growing up, I learned fairly quickly to rely only on myself. The people in my life that I should have been able to rely on were sadly damaged people with issues of their own, and unable to be what they should have been. I did not have a loving nurturing mother, nor a protective kind father. Rather I had quite the opposite. A mom who was suffering abuse and had pretty much “checked out” when it came to being a mom, and a father who was more than likely suffering from PTSD, (from fighting in WWII) who was dishing out the abuse, to everyone. When you grow up in that kind of environment you learn to not depend on anyone, but you also feel very overwhelmed with worry, anxiety and stress.
Now years later as an adult I definitely have had some major trust issues. So much so that it has been extremely difficult to ask anyone for any kind of help. From small favors to actually needing groceries, I would rather suffer in silence and figure it out on my own. This has been a pattern in my life since childhood so even though God has come through for me time and time again I still struggled with trust. I still tried to figure everything out on my own and spent countless hours worrying and stressing about whatever was going on in my life. But again, God never failed me. He has taught me that He is someone who will be there for me time and again. He showed me that I can trust Him, no matter what is going on in my life, and that I can depend on Him no matter how impossible the situation may seem because He has it all worked out. I have learned that no matter what the outcome may be or what it may look like, it will be what is best for me. It hasn’t been easy to break through old patterns. I’ve had to push past the fact that in many cases I can’t see the end from the beginning. I can’t always figure things out, and the outcome may not be what I think it should be. But when I put my trust in God, and take my hands off the situation, and trust that He does know the outcome, and He wants what is good for me, I begin to have peace in my life. I know without a doubt that He cares for me, and wants me to go to Him when I need help rather than struggle and have fear.
Nevertheless, I am human and sometimes I still catch myself worrying, or feeling stressed when I can’t see how I will be able to attain the things I need. But then God gently reminds me that He has been faithful and true, loving and kind, and helps me to give all my needs to Him in prayer. Through this process, He has shown me how to trust people again, and how to ask for help when I need it. He has built up my faith, by being faithful. He has gained my trust by showing Himself to be trustworthy. And He has my love and devotion because He loved me first and unconditionally and forever.
1 Peter 5:7
Jeremiah 29: 11-13
1 John 4:19