As I have grown and changed over the years, one thing that I have taken great pride in is that I have tried to take care of myself no matter what. I have needed some help here and there, but there came a day when I said never again! Never again am I going to get on government assistance no matter how hard it gets. To try and prevent having to get any kind of help again, I have worked 3 jobs at a time, and I have taken college classes to better myself and be able to get a better, higher-paying job. I've worked longer hours and attended several training sessions. I tried to do everything I possibly could to take care of myself and those that depend on me. Despite many struggles and not having everything I would like to have, and sometimes things we needed, we have been ok. I have a dependable car, a roof over my head, and food on the table.
Little by little my “strength” became my downfall and when I found myself in great need I decided I would rather suffer than ask for help. I let being proud of myself turn into pridefulness. Since early in my life people let me down, I decided I didn’t need anyone and so I refused to ask anyone for help. Things in my life began to change gradually, and I found myself without housing. It has been life-changing and humbling. I have had to swallow my pride over and over again because for me, asking for something as simple as a ride is extremely difficult because it feels like I have failed. Currently, I find myself living with a friend because I cannot afford housing, and struggling just to put gas in my car and keep food on the table. I’ve gone through all the emotions of living through this situation from hopeful, to sad, angry, frustrated, confused, and back to hopeful. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me, but I do know this, I still trust God! Yes, even in the midst of all this, I trust His plan for my life!
As I sit here writing this, I can’t help but think about things I may have taken for granted. Like the many times I spent money frivolously and times I could have done more for others. I see that what I considered being a strong, and independent woman had become a prideful and at times selfish attribute, and realizing how much I procrastinate. Sometimes, it’s not horrible sins that God is trying to help us remove from our life but rather things that may be harmful to our life. He wants us to have an abundant life, full of joy and peace. And sometimes it’s just life; He is not “punishing” us but rather, allowing us to walk through troubled waters, all while He is guiding us. He knows that the valuable lessons we will learn and the character we will build, will far outweigh the troubles we are facing right now. He knows we will come through this shining brighter than before.
Despite everything, I know I want to take this time to reflect on some changes I may need to make in my life that maybe I could not see, or maybe would not see, until now. And I want to reflect more on God, and His undying love for me. Because in the midst of all this, there have been some significant blessings. My grandchildren are learning about the truth of God. My career is taking a turn toward some things that I have been desiring for years. I have had some extra time to do some reading, learning, writing, creating, and teaching, many of the things I love. My prayers are a little more thoughtful, and the simple things in life are becoming more and more precious to me. I am trusting God to begin opening doors and creating more opportunities for me and I know, even when I'm feeling low, that this is just for a season, things are gonna change, and things are gonna get better. There is scripture after scripture that says so. He has a plan for my life, He has never failed me, He is a promise keeper, He has it all worked out. I can leave my life in His hands. As I walk through this, God is walking with me. Is it still hard? Yes! Do I still get discouraged and frustrated? Yes again! Some days I can’t wait to get to church to hear a word of encouragement, and some days I just want to cover my head and go to sleep! But every day, good or bad, before I go to bed, I make sure to utter a prayer, thank God for something, and quote scripture that will lift my spirit. I can rest assured that Jesus Christ is just, He is faithful, He is my comforter, and my most treasured friend.